I get really pissed off when companies take your name in the normal course of business, and then send you “correspondence” after you asked them specifically not to. You can usually know that something is on its way when the discustomer service person gives you a blank look while clicking away at the register keyboard.

Today, I received the second bit of junk mail from Lens Crafters. Yes, thank you, my new glasses are fine, but as I don’t need another pair for TWO YEARS, leave off!!!

This Bike Nerd How To is End Junk Mail.

1. You must remain diligent.
2. You must make them think you’re really pissed off.
3. Being “pissed off” is never really enough. Plenty of people are upset about junk mail. You must also make them dread that you are INSANE and you have too much time on your hands.
4. Repeated statements, misspellings and odd markings heighten the effect of your rabbidity! It is graphic sputtering.
5. Expressing your feelings with stick figures is very effective. Everyone likes stick figures! and they can do things that polite people never would.
6. The use of standard icons is particularly helpful: Contast hearts, flowers and butterflys with frowning faces, rain clouds, and lightening bolts.
5. Do not threaten anyone personally, or make belligerent drawings featuring well-known people or places. That could land you in jail. Just keep it to stick figures.

If you send back everything you receive in this manner, I guarantee you will end your junk mail woes. I have used this technique to liberate a shopaholic with a Mercer Island zip code from a mountain of catalogs. I have brought this technique to bear in the highly desirable 02446 zip where some people never say “no” to any thing and are on every mailing list.

It is proven and viable.